The Benefits of Swearing
by SongToTheSiren
Summary: Just a fun little one shot featuring- surprise, surprise- Dr McCoy. Obviously contains some swearing but not too much really.


**A/N**: Ok I think this story is proof that inspiration can strike in the oddest places and at the oddest times. I've been having a hard time writing anything as it is let alone anything funny (see my profile) and laughter has been the furthest thing from my mind. I got the idea for this from reading an article the other week on the BBC news website about a British University running experiments to test the pain relieving benefits of swearing. Reading it I immediately thought of Dr McCoy (doctors + medical study + swearing= McCoy lol) and had practically the first decent laugh I've had in some time :)

**Disclaimer**: Nope, still don't own Star Trek much to my disappointment. All I own are the DVDs and some books. I'd love to own Dr McCoy/Karl Urban for my own personal use but sadly I don't see that happening any time soon, *sighs*, ah well.

Reviews are very much appreciated so feel free to let me know what you think, cheers.

*****

Captain Kirk was walking down to the Sickbay to meet up with Bones as they were both now due to come off duty. He carried a datapadd with him that contained some new jokes from Scotty that he knew Bones would appreciate, especially after a long day. As he walked into the busy Sickbay a junior nurse told him that Dr McCoy was still working on a patient. Jim decided to wait and leant against one of the biobeds, taking in the activity before him. Bones was with his patient in one of the private rooms just off the main bay. As Jim was chatting to some of the nurses a sudden yell ripped the air.

"Arrrgghh, BLOODY HELL".

It made Jim jump but the medical staff didn't seem to even notice.

"What was that??" he asked one of the nurses.

"Oh just Dr McCoy treating his patient" she shrugged nonchalantly.

"Damn and he wonders why I hate coming in for my physical exam" he muttered, shaking his head.

There was another cry "Argh, BUGGERING SHIT".

Jim walked over to the door to the other room, blatantly eavesdropping but also somewhat concerned for the poor member of his crew who was currently under Bones' none too gentle ministrations.

"Who is it in there?" he turned and asked the nurse.

"Lieutenant Kyle, he dislocated his shoulder playing rugby".

Jim turned back to the door and could hear Bones' voice.

"Dammit Kyle this is for ya own good, lets go again".

"_What the hell is he doing??"_ Jim wondered.

He could hear Kyle's distinctive British accent murmuring something to the Doctor, whatever it was Bones clearly wasn't in the mood to be trifled with.

"I'm the Doctor here Lieutenant and you'll do as I say, unless you want an even longer recuperation period and stay in Sickbay for the next two days instead of your quarters".

"_Humph, if I was Kyle I wouldn't want to spend the next two __seconds__ in sickbay with Bones"._

Kyle seemed to have the same thought because Jim heard a murmur of agreement, then a few seconds later another loud, heart- felt shout "Agh BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS, BOLLOCKS!!"

"Attaboy Kyle now keep goin' with that".

"Oh Godammit, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!"

Bones' tone turned sharp "Hey now Lieutenant, no blaspheming in my sickbay".

Jim couldn't help but let out a small chuckle at this _"That's rich; his favourite word is 'Godammit'"._

"Ok Kyle, how're you feelin' now?"

There was a pause before Jim heard him speak in a rather surprised and chirpy tone "Yes Doctor, actually I don't feel half bad, it's a lot better".

"Good, what'd I tell ya, doctor knows best. Now we're done so you just rest up here for half an hour then you can be on your merry way".

Jim quickly moved back to his original spot by the beds and pretended to be engrossed in his datapadd. Bones walked out, wiping his hands on an antiseptic towel, he made a few comments to Nurse Chapel and then saw Jim.

"Hiya Jim, the ship's still in one piece so I'm guessin' you didn't get us into any shit today".

Jim stared at the rather pleased expression on Bones' face.

"Do you get a kick out of torturing your patients?" he asked.

"What…, oh Kyle, you heard that then, ah well" he shrugged his shoulders and headed towards his office.

"What the hell were you doing to him?" Jim asked with a laugh.

"Just resetting his shoulder, damn idiot playin' rough games as if he's invincible. You know, bein' a doctor I'm all for people takin' exercise and keeping healthy of course but there are better ways of doin' that than havin' a massive free for all in the gym".

Kirk had to laugh out loud at this as Bones settled into his office chair.

"Yeah but it's the fun of it that Kyle enjoys I would guess".

"The fun of what, you and a bunch of other guys all beatin' the crap outta each other?? Yeah that really sounds like fun, kinda like at the Academy every time you got into a fight and I had to wade in and save your ass".

"Oh come Bones, I can look after myself, you only had to jump in that one time or two".

"Phfft" Bones snorted but didn't make any other reply.

"Anyway, what was going on there, with all your medical gadgets surely a dislocated shoulder isn't a big deal to treat".

"Normally no it isn't but I didn't use any of my 'gadgets'" Bones said with an undeniable grin on his face.

"_What??_ What did you do then, it must've been bad by the way he was yelling".

"Now Jim, in many ways I'm just a regular country doctor, most of the time the patient does the best healin' by himself and it's important not to be over dependent on modern gadgets and medicines to treat patients. Sometimes the old natural defences need a good work out to keep them healthy".

"So what did you do, just told him to grin and bear it while you pulled on his arm??"

"Pretty much" Bones shrugged.

"GODAMMIT!! Bones I don't want my crew going around thinking that their CMO is out to torture them!".

Bones just smiled slyly and looked at Jim "That felt good didn't it Jim?"

"What felt good?"

"The swearin', it relieved some of your tension and made you feel better didn't it".

Jim looked at Bones a bit nonplussed for a moment and then nodded "Yeah I guess it did".

"Exactly, why do you think Kyle was swearin' so much- cos I told him to. Now he's someone who is usually very well mannered and doesn't so much as even mildly curse when he stubs a toe. So I just knew he had all that bottled up inside him and that if he let it out it would be a great pain reliever".

"So what, swearing is a good thing then Doctor?" Jim asked with a grin back on his face.

"Hell yeah, there's been scientific studies and everythin' done into the medical and psychological benefits of a good old bout of cursin'. The increased amount of adrenaline and accelerated heart rate and so on all contribute to combating the sensation of pain. You know, a good doctor doesn't just treat a patient's injury but also their mental state and a really _great_ doctor knows all the psychological tricks to get a patient's natural body functions to work towards accelerating the healing process rather than acting against it".

"So everything he came out with you told him to say".

"No, no Jim, I just told him to swear, he's the one that came up with those particular words and as you probably heard, he did say he felt a lot better".

"I see". Jim sat on the edge of the desk and shook his head as he mused for a moment, "So this treating people with swearing rather than medicine thing- is this gonna be the prescribed treatment from now on for everyone who comes in here?" he said with a grin.

Bones stood up and raised an all too knowing eyebrow at Jim. "No just for damn fool idiots who purposely get themselves into trouble and need a sharp kick up the ass as a reminder that they're not invincible". He then walked over to the door and headed back towards Kyle's room.

"Look, I can see you're busy here Bones so I'll see you later".

"Ok Jim… dammit, what??" he asked as he saw the smirk on Jim's face.

"Oh nothing".

"Godammit kid, don't give me that shit, you got that bloody smirk on ya face for a reason".

Jim smirked even more "Oh I was just thinking that if the level of health on board this ship is going to be measured by the amount of swearing someone does then you Doctor must be so insanely healthy as to be practically immortal".

With that he turned and left the sickbay, laughing as he went.

Bones stared at Jim's back for a moment. "Godamn smartass" he muttered to himself as he went to check on Kyle.

*****

I'm not totally sure what is/ isn't allowed within each rating so if anyone thinks the rating needs to be changed to M let me know- cheers.


End file.
